Friday, May 28, 2010

Pondering the Present

Finally getting back to writing. I didn't plan for such an extended hiatus. My life has been a little hectic. Between personal challenges and working on my first workshop (only me this time) I have been immersed. I considered my first solo-taught workshop a success. I had four wonderful participants. Each generously sharing personal experiences making the class everything I could have asked for. When I think of where I am now and where I was two and a half years ago, cannot believe the difference in my life.

A couple weekends ago, I took an Advanced Aromatherapy class taught by my dear friend Liz. At lunch I spoke with a woman who told me how much more rich her life had become in her fifties. For the first time in my life, I really believed her. Normally, I'd have lamented over not being in my twenties, and honestly sometimes when I look in the mirror, that feeling does rear it's ugly head. But there is something so much more valuable about being at the point in your life where things start to really make sense. Where you suddenly realize your own power. Where you suddenly realize there is so much more to discover, even in the recesses of your own mind, than most will ever think of grasping at twenty-five. Not impossible, but I do say most. The only things I really have to miss are physical aspects of myself. And admittedly that gets harder every year. I have another friend in her fifties who shared with me that I will reach a point where I will no longer feel the need to "compete" with all the young girls. In a way, I look forward to feeling that freedom. I feel as though I'm in a weird place at 37. I feel like I should be somewhere else. I had always envisioned myself in a perfect career, married to my best friend. Maybe a family. Maybe not.

The other day, a friend said to me, "Did you ever think this is where you'd be at this point in your life?" I told her, "No. But in spite of everything that has happened, my life is so much better than it would have been had everything would have worked out the way I planned."
And do you know what? I meant it. Do I still want those things I mentioned earlier? Yes. And I have every faith that my life will evolve in a way that will ultimately bring me the most joy.

And it truly is an evolution. What I want in life shifts and changes. Sometimes daily. Listening to my intuition is the most important gift I can give myself. Rarely do we go through life wanting the same things year after year. Rarely do our passions persist for one career, one anything for that matter, the entirety of our lives. The basics remain. A comfortable place to live, someone to love and understand us, a sense of purpose in the word. But the details somehow shift. The "how" begins to take other forms. Letting go of the how, the when, the who. Those are the tough ones.

I am co-teaching the crystals workshop again with my friend in August. I am so excited about this turn my life has taken. When I start to panic or think that maybe my life won't turn out as planned, I think to myself, "When has it ever not turned out to be better than I'd hoped for?" Sure, life puts obstacles in your way to prepare you to be the person you need to be to be given the life you seek. I suspect it's a small price to pay for my greatest happiness.

I am excited for the future. Thirties, forties, fifties and beyond. And I'm excited for the present of course. Because ultimately, isn't that all we really have?